to dwell on dreams
by StellaBlue29
Summary: and forget to live... but what does it mean to live?


"Your hair looks beautiful that way."

Lisa Turpin's voice is like music, and the words so sweet that Padma Patil can't help but blush, one hand darting upwards to twirl the curl at the end of her plait as her eyes meet Lisa's. This thing between them – whatever it is – is new, and Padma is still trying to figure out what it all means. If, indeed, it is anything at all.

"Thank you," Padma says. And then, "Flatterer." Almost as if nothing has changed. It is easier this way, sometimes.

Lisa grins, her pearly teeth dazzling, her entire being positively aglow with the September sun behind her shoulder. Padma watches as Lisa blows a puff of air at dandelion head that has gone to seed, until the tiny parachutes scatter to float on the still air.

Padma can't remember a time when she wasn't in love with Lisa Turpin. Falling was so gradual that she barely even noticed it happening, but she hadn't defined the feeling as _love_ until last year. Even then, she didn't know how to say it. Would Lisa feel the same way? And what would Padma's family say, when they found out? So she did nothing, even when Lisa made flirty remarks and made her laugh every day, the brightest spark in an otherwise dreary, dark year. Nothing, until she finally kissed Lisa just before they both ran to fight in the Battle of Hogwarts.

That war, that battle, it ruined everything. Not a day goes by that she doesn't think about it. Her hair still stands on end when she recalls her twin sister Parvati's bone-chilling scream upon seeing Lavender Brown on the floor, barely clinging to life. All the blood, dried and sticky on the tiles. Crumbled stone where there should be inviting archways. The sobs echoing in the corridors. And the way the very air just felt different. Empty.

A few of the dandelion seeds drift in front of Padma and push the images of the war out of her mind. Idly, she lifts a hand, holds out her index finger. One tiny parachute lands on the end, as gentle as a feather.

"Now make a wish," says Lisa.

Padma says nothing, but her eyes jump back to Lisa, who is watching her. In this moment, there's only one thing she would wish for. But…

A breeze whisks the dandelion seed off of Padma's fingertip, and Lisa rolls over in the grass.

"I hope you wished for something good," Lisa giggles.

Padma shakes her head. "Wouldn't have mattered, it's like one-twentieth of a wish. It has to be the whole flower for it to count."

"Says who?"

"The rules. That's just how it is."

"There are no rules!" Lisa insists. "Live your life how you want to. Wish on one-twentieth of a dandelion, I _dare_ you."

"Don't let any of the first-years hear that," says Padma, a smile creeping back onto her face at Lisa being so… _Lisa_. Her mind fills with the images of daisy chains and sunlight, the sounds of Lisa's laughter. "You're a bad influence, encouraging people to break rules."

Lisa sticks out her tongue.

"So what did _you_ wish for?" Padma asks.

"You," says Lisa in a gossamer voice.

Padma's breath catches in her throat. "But…"

"I know. I suppose it would be breaking the rules a little." Lisa smirks. "Come on, we're going to be late." She stands up. Padma picks up her bag and slings it over her shoulder, and the two Ravenclaws make their way up the hill and back into the castle, side by side and silent.

Padma is not quite sure what to say. It's true, she loves Lisa, and maybe Lisa loves her too. If only it were as simple as that. If only Padma had said something earlier. If only they'd had a real chance. If only time could be erased. Those were the things she wanted to wish for. If only Lisa hadn't died in the Battle of Hogwarts.

That horrible night last May, as all the teenagers prepared as well as they could to step into a war against adult Death Eaters, she had called out after Lisa in a strangled voice, dreading the very real possibility that they'd never see one another alive again, and at that moment Padma took a leap; she kissed Lisa. Padma never wanted to forget the urgency with which Lisa kissed her in return, or the feeling of Lisa's arms around her waist, and Lisa's lips on hers. It was the first and last time she would ever experience it.

Now, her hands go right through Lisa's transparent ones. The only indication that anything has happened is the sensation of cold where there should be the warmth of touch. To think that there had once been a time when Padma was afraid to get too close to Lisa. But now, as close as she gets, it will never be enough.

Charms class has moved to the second floor this year, because the original classroom on the third floor is still a heap of rubble from the battle in May. The new room is slightly smaller, but the class size isn't large enough for that to be an issue. Not many students from their year have chosen to return to Hogwarts to repeat their seventh year, and as for the rest of the class, a year behind Padma, they'd suffered losses in the battle too, so ultimately the class of two combined years is about the same as what used to be one.

Padma takes her usual seat, and Lisa sits in the one beside her; she's not so much sitting as she is hovering slightly over the chair, and she's unable to take notes, but the two girls whisper through class in the way they always have. Almost as if nothing has changed. Lisa's effusive friendship is the one constant between what was Before and what is now After, and Padma clings to that like a lifeline.

* * *

"What's the first thing you're going to do when you're out of Hogwarts?" asks Lisa as Padma piles a heap of jacket potatoes on her plate. There is an empty space on the bench on the other side of Lisa. Most people seem a bit disconcerted by sitting too close to her; the air next to her often tends to be chilly.

"Erm… I dunno." Padma takes a bite, and Lisa watches.

"You should travel," says Lisa. "We were going to go to Spain, remember? You were so excited about it. There's no reason you can't still go."

"It won't be the same without you," says Padma sullenly.

"Then I'll go too. I can see the sights, the architecture – the only thing I can't do is share the food and wine. You'll have to just tell me how good it is," she says, and this elicits a small smile from Padma.

"Actually, wait," Lisa adds. "I've seen the Gryffindor house ghost do this. Hold up a potato piece on a fork?"

Padma does, and Lisa opens her mouth and drifts forward so that her translucent face drifts like a cloud right through the potato. Padma giggles at the sight, and Lisa says, "Mmm. Rosemary?"

"You can taste it?" asks Padma, surprised.

"Well, sort of. It's not quite as satisfying as real food, and the flavour's not very strong, but it's there. It's almost enough."

Almost enough. Just like Lisa herself, now.

"Can I ask you something?" Padma finally blurts. "Why did you stay?"

Lisa purses her lips, stares off into the distance. "A lot of reasons," she finally admits. "But mostly I couldn't leave with unfinished business. There's so much still to learn, and I could spend lifetimes just learning. I wanted to write a book. I wasn't ready to say goodbye to you yet. I wasn't done living."

"So you… you _wanted_ to become a ghost?" Padma understands that it would be difficult to give up on one's dreams, but she has always thought being a ghost sounds quite lonely and sad.

"Not necessarily. I just wasn't ready to go on yet, and then I found myself here."

"But, Lisa, that's… forever. You'll be a ghost forever."

"No, don't you see?" Lisa asks excitedly, a rush of energy. "I can figure out how it all works. Why some people go on and not others. What enables us to stay. I can find ways for ghosts to move on when they're ready. Think of everything I'll learn, now that I have the time."

Padma watches her friend for a moment. The thought that she herself was one of the dreams worth staying for is simultaneously beautiful and heartrending. Because she can't – it would never work, would it? Lisa isn't even alive.

But in a way, she's the most alive person in the castle. She is full of hope and dreams that never died, while most of the other students are still struggling with lingering trauma from the war. Indeed, all that is left of her is her enduring hope and dreams.

What does it mean to be in love with a ghost, Padma wonders? Someone who is only a mere imitation of life, but who makes Padma feel alive, and inspires her? Alive, and happy. Their laughter about potatoes at the table is the only sound of joy in the Great Hall.

But when Lisa is not there, Padma's joy withers away to silence, and the weight of the recent battle rests heavily on her soul. Lisa does not take Herbology – she had dropped the class after OWL's, but even if she hadn't, there's no way she could have continued now, because most of the class is practical and hands-on, inaccessible to an incorporeal person. So Padma works at a table with three Gryffindors: Hermione Granger, Sally-Anne Perks, and Romilda Vane.

The desk directly across from Padma is occupied by Sally-Anne, whose eyes are black holes; no light escapes them. Through the void of space, Padma can see the image of Colin Creevey's death still burned into Sally-Anne's retinas. He had been right next to Sally-Anne when a Death Eater's curse killed him, and missed her by mere inches.

The curse that killed Colin may not have physically hit her, but Sally-Anne is dead inside because of it. Padma understands. There are days when she feels the same.

Sometimes, the four girls talk to each other during Herbology. But as often as they can find innocent, small topics to discuss, conversations always swing back around to the inevitable, and someone goes quiet and withdraws into her own mind.

Sally-Anne is the one to find Padma crying in an empty classroom one Tuesday when Lisa has not been around to distract her. Sally-Anne apologises and turns to leave, but Padma stops her. "Can you stay for a minute?" she asks in a tattered voice.

"Of course," says Sally-Anne, her words full of warmth, the warmth Lisa lacks. She slides her tall frame down the wall to sit on the floor beside her, and puts her hand over Padma's. Padma looks down at the tangle of their brown fingers, and gives Sally-Anne's hand a squeeze.

No words come to mind, but none are necessary. Rain lashes against the window of the classroom, painting the grey world outside with blurry streaks, and they just watch. Padma's hand stays laced with Sally-Anne's. She had forgotten how wonderful it feels just to be able to touch someone; the feeling of Sally-Anne's hand solid in her own is enough to centre her for the moment. Sally-Anne understands Padma in a way that Lisa never will, and that is almost enough.

* * *

Padma's soul aches with a loneliness that hours of conversation with Lisa cannot soothe, because she slips right through her fingers like air. Lisa feels miles away even when she's right there. And so Padma begins to seek that comfort elsewhere. At first, she and Sally-Anne meet in the library and talk about the battle. It helps, says Sally-Anne, to unshoulder some of the burden of grief to an understanding ear.

Sally-Anne and Colin had been good friends, due to their mutual love of photography. And she can't get past how unfair it was that the curse hit him and not her, that she is allowed to live and Colin is not. Padma, in turn, tells her about the combined blessing and curse of Lisa being a ghost. About seeing every day an embodiment of a dream, a shimmering reminder of all she has lost and can never have.

"You loved her," says Sally-Anne.

"Yes," Padma admits.

There is a silence. "You still do."

Padma says nothing. And in reply, Sally-Anne says nothing too. Padma likes that about her, that Sally-Anne doesn't feel the need to fill an empty chasm with words that will never suffice. She just lets the sentiment hang there with all its weight, and understands that there times when words are just not enough.

Because what means the most to Padma is not the words they share, but the dependable warmth of Sally-Anne's hand, the feeling of something solid and real to hold on to. With Sally-Anne, Padma begins to stop thinking about what could have been, and instead focuses on what is. After all, life is short. Sally-Anne kisses her one day, and Padma reciprocates with fervor.

Soon, they begin to meet in more private locations, often late at night when they are sure to not be discovered. Sometimes it's the old room where the DA used to meet, and sometimes it's the greenhouse down the hill. Tangled in the twining vines, their sighs painting the glass roof with steam, they are sheltered from the cold just outside the doors.

Sally-Anne helps Padma retain her grip on the world, drives out the bitter stillness of winter, and gives her the intimacy she craves. She makes her feel. And that is enough. Almost.

But still, everywhere Padma turns, there is grief. Her bond with Sally-Anne is born of grief, and it always lingers in the background of every encounter. And her love for Lisa will end in grief, because there is no future to it; it was pruned before it had a chance to bloom.

* * *

The notion of holding out food for Lisa to float through has become somewhat of a game at the Ravenclaw table these days, and a lot of people participate. And the ghostly chill surrounding her does not seem to unsettle everyone as much as it used to – or at least it doesn't bother Luna Lovegood, who is seated on her other side, asking if Lisa tastes walls when she drifts through them.

"You're so popular these days, you're becoming our new house ghost," Padma tells Lisa as the conversation with Luna draws to a close.

Lisa laughs. "You know, I've actually been trying to befriend the Grey Lady. Trying to see what the ghost social scene is like."

"And?" Padma asks. The Ravenclaw house ghost is known for her serious, aloof demeanour, and Padma has only ever had one conversation with her before. It was very short. The Grey Lady does not seem to have much patience for the trivialities of mortals.

"Well, I don't reckon she likes me," says Lisa. "Probably because of things like this. I must seem like an obnoxious kid who's upstaging her. She's a bit, you know, superior. But don't tell her I said that."

Padma laughs. "Maybe it'll just take time. No one can resist your charms for long."

"And time is something I have a lot of now, I suppose."

As Lisa grows more comfortable with her new condition as a ghost, her offhand comments like this become more common, and they make Padma uncomfortable. Mostly because they make her face the unpleasant truth that what she wants can never be.

Sometimes she wonders if her relationship with Lisa, if it can be called that, is restraining her from moving on. Despite losing Lisa in the battle, she is still present in her life, so Padma never had to process her loss the same way others had to recover from the loss of their own loved ones. After all, she can still talk to Lisa. And that was certainly easier in the beginning. But as time passes, she understands more how little future exists for the two of them.

"Lisa, we have to move on from each other," Padma blurts. It's the first time she's directly confronted their unusual circumstances in conversation.

"I know," says Lisa softly. "Still, I'll always love you. But that isn't fair to you. You have so much life to live. So I'll be happy to know that you're out there living it."

 _I love you too_ , Padma wants to say, but she doesn't. She will go out there and live her life, for both of them.

* * *

Buds are finally beginning to appear on the empty trees again as Hogwarts sheds its winter coat. As Padma leans on the railing next to Parvati and gazes out at the puddles accumulating on the grounds, she hears footsteps on the stairs behind her and turns around to see Sally-Anne. She looks different, somehow; more peaceful. Her dark eyes shine with a new sparkle.

"Hey," says Sally-Anne.

"Hi," Padma responds. Parvati, after a quick glance, wanders away to give them some space.

There is a brief silence before Sally-Anne fills it. "I have a new girlfriend," she says. "So… this thing between us, whatever it was, it was good, but it's over."

Padma nods, finding that she isn't upset by this news at all. "You seem really happy," she says, and smiles at Sally-Anne.

"I am," says Sally-Anne, and she grins too; it transforms her face.

"I'm happy to hear that," says Padma honestly. "Truly, I am. You deserve it. Who is she, by the way?"

"Susan Bones."

Padma has always liked Susan, a gentle and kind Hufflepuff, and the thought that Susan and Sally-Anne have found happiness together brings Padma joy. This place could always use more of that, especially these days. It is people like Susan and Sally-Anne who will help restore the soul of Hogwarts.

For the first time in months, Padma begins to make firm plans for her future. Plans that don't involve Lisa, even if they were inspired by her. She has decided to go to Spain after all, with Parvati. Maybe she'll send Lisa a Patronus, a postcard in a format as wispy and ethereal as herself. "Wish you were here," it'll say. And Lisa will laugh, because there are so many ways it can be interpreted.

"Helena and I are in love," says Lisa as she floats beside Padma on their way to Arithmancy one day.

"Helena, the Grey Lady? That's… unexpected," Padma admits. "Isn't she about a thousand years older than you?"

"Well, like seven years older, depending on how you look at it. And anyway, we're both dead, so it doesn't matter."

"You're robbing the grave," Padma insists.

Lisa howls with laughter. "I'm _in_ the grave," she says.

Padma finally giggles too. "Well, er, congratulations." She pauses for a moment before continuing. "I wanted to tell you I'm going to Spain this summer, just like you suggested. I'm going with Parvati."

"Oh, good!" Lisa enthuses. "Have fun. Enjoy the wine for me. And send me a ghostcard."

"A… what?"

"It's like a postcard for ghosts."

Padma is sceptical. "Is that a real thing?"

"Only if you send one!"

Padma laughs. She will miss Lisa. But for now, it will be easier to miss her than to have her almost around.

So after the last week of classes, Padma and Parvati get a Portkey to Barcelona, and enjoy tapas and dancing and summer sunshine and sangria. Although the trauma of the war still lurks in Padma's memory, it is farther from her mind these days, and at least here, it won't get in the way of what is now and what is to come. Now, she and her sister have their toes in the sand and are enjoying the moment with a book and a tarot deck, respectively.

As for what is to come: Padma catches the glance of a young woman in a nearby beach chair, who smiles at her, and she smiles back. Padma feels beautiful today.

* * *

 **Author's Note: The title and story summary are taken from a quote by Dumbledore in _Harry Potter and the Philosopher's/Sorcerer's Stone_ , and therefore belong to JKR. (As do the characters and, like, everything about this fic except the plot.) Originally written for a Love Triangle Challenge on HPFT.**


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